I better write this post before I lose inspiration.
It might contain a few swears... Breather.
Phew.
Okay, I'll start.
Today I decided that I shall speak to myself. It's better to write it down so that I'd remember it rather than keeping it in my head and have it erased by someone else later on.
In the span of a few months, there have been people who had risen up to be ones who matter to me more than the average citizen. And no, I'm not madly in love with any of them.
Wait, let me reconsider...Am I in love with SK...?
Haha. Kidding.
Darn it, if I had written this during my "climax" in the train overtaken by the lack of claustrophobia despite being surrounded by a blanket of night commuters, it would have been more... passionate. Angry passionate.
Ah. Let me continue from "I'm not madly in love with them."
Well... several might already know since i'm not exactly a quiet person. These individuals are Jason, Mr Najib and SK, and coincidentally, within 2 days each had bestowed me (whether intentionally or not doesn't make a difference) a speech, all different yet somehow intertwined. Hmm.
Let's see...
Agh. Darn it, I forgot the freakin' main point.
"A singular darned ass heartbreak, however intense, does not warrant one a vacation for the rest of her life."
Yes, that's it. Though it sounded a lot more powerful when I said it on my head...
And a lot less gay. Ugh. Whatever.
The point is...
Note to self: YOU'RE A MESS. GET OVER THE DARN THING.
And not by plunging yourself into another pile of crap. You've had freakin' enough of that.
It's been months. It was never meant to be.
Well, yes. I've always known that part.
Sigh. Jason's shall be entitled "Effort."
Darned crap. Again, sorry for the disappointing performance... but I listened to every word you said afterwards (even during the time I was reading the Liverpool something on your shirt)...
I'm a mess. And one of the reasons for that is that I've always believed I could pull off everything. But no, you said it took effort. A lot of effort. Something I rarely put into anything especially then, when I was willing to throw my life away and hardly cared about shit.
I mean, what's the point?
Okay, maybe there was a point. But it's not a strong enough point to make one think about the whole darned thing. And how much of a mess I was making because of something so... pointless.
It's like what we've talked about before in the lorry, as it was halted by a traffic light and cold pollution quietly damaged our facial skin.
A man stood staring down from the HDB flat. I started the conversation about suicide in bad English, and you corrected me with an arrogant (senget) smile. And we went on to talk about how people commited suicide because they had nothing strong enough in this world to hold on to. But suicide's difficult, 'cause there's always something, however small, to grab.
And I said something to make you say I thought differently from people my age. I still remember that.
I was so proud of myself.
Sigh. Sorry for your disappointments...but it's gonna get better.
I think I'm coming back up from my mini-suicide. There's no point hitting the bottom.
Effort. Effort. Effort. Pull yourself together. Effort.
No... I didn't capture the essence of it all with this...
Gah.
The post is good enough lah! I'm exhausted...
Moving on to Mr Najib.
Haha. You're probably thinking, "Why Mr. Najib? Doesn't she just stare at him from a distance?"
And the second question is wrong in two ways.
First, I don't just stare at him from a distance. I actually talk to the man.
And second, I DO NOT stare at him from a distance! I'm not a freak.
I was in a foul mood yesterday, and I ended our conversation by going offline with a "I'm messed up lah." as my last statement.
But the man was kind and thoughtful enough to send me a "You're not messed up. Go get some sleep. REST." sms.
Let's see... how do I start?
I'll entitle Mr Najib's letter as... "Wake up, darned fool."
Gah... I can't remember my points...
I really should have written them down on the train...
Perhaps he didn't get the whole thing right...but thinking about it he did have some pointers.
It's not right to escape from a mess by creating another mess, especially one of greater magnitude.
Perhaps that's not what you said but... it's what went through my mind in the train as I reread the message and asked myself why I was being so cold. And it was because I was trying to get out of the Greater Magnitude Mess, but that's not the right way, I know...
The message served to reiterate Jason's point, and to make me think further of the mess I put myself in - the mess, which included the Greater Magnitude Mess, otherwise called the Mess you were Talking About, and the crap I've been since my "break up" which wasn't really much of a break up but I still consider it to be... Sigh.
Those two... all buried in a coccoon of skin is just... a mess.
It's difficult. Whenever a moment comes when I have to think about either or both my head just feels like bursting... and I do appreciate your listening a lot...
(And Zaff's, everytime you're yet to be available for conversation. I cannot not mention him. Stop stealing the limelight, Zaff -.-)
Everyone falls the same way, and I'm not invulnerable to that. As you said, though for something different, It's part of growing up.
I do know I'm a mess... and I want to fix it...
Gah. This sounds gay. Again.
And I'm not bringing out the essence. Again.
Train. Train. Train.
Moving on to SK.
I shall entitle his speech "You." for the simple reason that it's all he said.
It's amazing how much meaning a singular word could possess, given the circumstances.
Awhile ago I had gone into another PeepShow gig. And yes, I do feel like a stalker freak.
But that's okay. I think.
I have their EP on the com. And it's signed. Hehe.
...
Yes, I know. Getting it signed is not the most difficult thing in the world. But still.
...I just realized that SK's got a heart on his signature. Adorable.
ANYWAY, stop digressing. Back to "You."
He said it when Zaki gave him a moment to speak.
"I would like to thank everyone who came here to support us. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You..."
It was a lot of "You."s. He pointed at everyone. And I was either the first or the second "You."
It felt awesome to have SK point at me and say "You.", however small and momentary a gesture it was, especially since from "I would like to thank..." he was already looking at our direction. But even though I felt special, there were many "You"s said.
You know how people usually say, "You're special, yes. But everyone else is special as well." as a joke?
Okay, maybe they say it as "You're special, like everyone else." but it sounds better the other way...
Whichever way it is, is besides the point. It's the same meaning.
At the time he said it, I still had the Jason and Mr Najib stuff at the back of my mind...
It's one of those things I've always known but never fully admitted or accepted.
Thick skin, arrogance and skill; those are how I worked. And I'm doing a good show of the first two right now...
Sigh. There's something wrong with me. And I never admitted that.
Maybe I have, but i've always been under the mindset that it's nothing.
Nothing messes me up. I'd still do fine regardless.
But it doesn't work that way.
I'm just one of the 6 billion (???) people alive and kicking. And if everyone of us thought that way every single time we fell, then the world is just... pathetic.
I'm just one of the many "You"s, and I'm not doing a very good job at it.
Pick yourself up, man.
Neither am I doing a very good job at explaining myself.
I SHOULD'VE WRITTEN IT ALL ON THE TRAIN.
GAH. I'm tired lah!
Sorry if you just wasted your time reading the long post.
My head's still a blur. And bursting.
Agh.
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