As long as it matters.

I guess I've come to my conclusion. It's the problem with teenagers - they can't really make up their minds. But awhile ago, on my way to French, I was reflecting and shut up most of the way. It was then that a Gibson pick manifested itself as a glittery object lying on the floor, reflecting a lot of light, but never really being noticed. I picked it up. It had "Baybeats" on the back. Awesome.

But that doesn't really have anything to do with anything.

Well...
I guess I'm happy for you. Really, I am.

I mean, even though right now it feels like i'm building a dam on my mind to block off the wave of regret-possibility thoughts, which i've allowed to overwhelm me in the past few days.

You know, there are those types of people who sit back and watch their life pass ahead of them, and others who attempt to control it. I suppose I've got elements of both, but what I do know is that I've been operating, be it wrong or right, with one central rule for the past few years, which is to take "No regrets."

Perhaps, like everything in this world, it has its own benefits and consequences, and so far, I've seen through a greater number of benefits than the latter. But it's different this time round. It's a situation more delicate, and maybe of greater importance to me. And perhaps this time, whichever road I choose to take would lead me to both.

I've had it several times. Listening to people say, "It's alright. As long as she's happy." And I always thought, what crap. He's just trying to present himself as noble, and make himself look good. The bottomline is that he's given up because he doesn't want it anymore lah. Why not just say that? Shit!

But I guess, to a certain extent, I've now gained greater outlook. Perhaps there are times when the statement above applies, and I've known a great lot of people who would say that just to make themselves look better... Or maybe I'm just a cynic.

The point is that it's alright. As long as you're happy. I mean, if we want to look at the bad side, let's call it giving up. And I can't hope to justify that in the way that people might wish to hear it because I'm simply submitting to the human weakness of logic and reasoning. And it is perhaps, really quite strong a reason given my situation. I suppose it's what you want as well.

But if we want to look at it at the good side, then I guess we'd call it maturity. I have a feeling, however gay or cheesy, and yet impersonal I make it sound, that this greater maturity was largely brought about by love.

But what is love, really?

I mean, I suppose it has several definitions, degrees, difficulties, and all those...complexities. And I do believe that attempting to describe it would be unlawful, in a sense. But you know, love is not always love-love. And I suppose this one's platonic, but it being platonic does not make it not love.

I rarely get emotionally attached to friends, so I guess this relationship is truly something of a treasure to me. And I hope it is, or at least it was, a treasure to you as well. Perhaps, on my side, it had stepped over the border of friendship in several cases, and truly, in those cases, I am sorry for making it difficult for you. I was childish. Very childish.

But perhaps now, it had changed. I guess it's time I start thinking about other people.
I guess it's time I start thinking about you. I've been concentrating on hitting everyone else once I got bitten, never really realising that it doesn't really help, but merely offers momentary relief to the situation.I reflected on that awhile ago, and it was then that I realized how much I wanted to see you happy. It's the treasure that's in you - the sincerity of your smile. And perhaps, though in all honesty I would have been happier if there was more, it's enough.

Cheesy, huh? It's in a way i've never done for anyone. You really should feel special.

So... Senyum lah. Be sure that I'd only be a phonecall away if you need me. (Or phone-type...?)
Except, of course, if i'm overseas.

It's the end of the year. And by the next, it will all be just a sad distant memory.
Do you remember what I've said before?
That we'd be leaving everything behind. But we just don't admit it yet until we don't really care anymore. It's sad, I know.
I know that very well.